It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
