He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
