you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
