Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
