I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
