I cockslap morals
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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