How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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