Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
