Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
