quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
