who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Maybe he injected his testicle?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
