Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
