i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
