I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
