TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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