i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
