My Higher Power is John Stamos
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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