I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
