Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
