You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
