You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
