my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm sobbing to NWA
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
