the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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