I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize