he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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