The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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