Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
