i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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