I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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