If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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