life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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