Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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