Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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