Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Randomize
