I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
