True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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