I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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