Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
