she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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