I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
