Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Duck Duck Cougar?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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