seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Green mimosas i think yes
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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