theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
