I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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