hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
