I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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