no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
