I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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