Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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