Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
