You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
