I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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