I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
