My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
